(Not a Wrestler)

Height: Between 6 and 8”, depending on which TV I’m watching            

Weight: …How the fuck should I know?

From: the Gutter, originally; but has since pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become a multi-gazillionaire who lives in a ritzy California neighborhood

Finishing Move: Charisma Stranglehold

Powers of Coersion: Unfathomable.

                Technically, Don LaPre is neither a wrestler, nor a friend, and—in point of fact—I don’t even know the guy; but certainly he is a friend to all of us, in a sort of biblical sense.   Don LaPre, self-made man, is an example to all of us of what kind of achievements are possible if you only take the time to place small classified ads in a number of newspapers, and it doesn’t hurt if you happen to be a CHARISMA GOD.  

                Don started off painting houses for a living, making barely enough to pay his ever-increasing bills.  Then, it hit him…all he had to do was place tiny classified ads in several area newspapers, and…[somehow]…he would become unbelievably wealthy.  Don created this amazing, proven system for generating millions of dollars, and he—being a man of incredible character and generosity—is willing to share “his package” (as he oft refers to it) with you for only $39.95!  Now, seriously, where are you going to find a better deal than that? 

                If you’re wondering to yourself, “Why do I know this guy?”, then the odds are that you’ve seen him on late-night TV, in one of his many critically-acclaimed infomercial hits.  Don, along with his lovely-if-a-bit-retarded cohost, Cindy Margolis, basically rules the airwaves from 1 AM on through the dawn.  I, myself, have spent countless nights, sitting awake on the couch in the wee hours of the morning, verily hypnotized by the incredible charisma and wise—even prophetic—teachings of this brilliant infomercial guru. 

                Don was even set to star in a movie opposite the aforementioned Margolis, titled “Undercover Angel,” which would, no doubt, have been the blockbuster event of the decade.  Unfortunately, evil forces at work in the motion picture industry seemingly sabotaged the production, and it was put on an indefinite hiatus.  Have no fear, faithful followers, no earthly force can stop Don from achieving his destined status as “Messiah,” and somewhere along the way, he will certainly have another movie role. 

                The entire UHW crew would like to thank Mr. LaPre for everything he has provided us with over the years…With Don, All Things Are Possible.