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UHW
The All-Important Storyline
Ah…what’s cooler than a backyard fed running WWE-esque storyline twists? I’ll tell you what—one
like ours, that did it without explaining any of it on camera. So here it is, in all of its glory: the plot synopsis. I felt
it needed to be recorded, for posterity, so that—one day, long from now—when an entire youth culture bases its
lifestyle on their retro-rebellious heroes from UHW—they’ll know what the fuck was going on in between the botched
moves and obscene homosexual innuendos.
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| Nice shirt...FAG. |
In the beginning, there was no Danny Havoc, and no GOD!!!...there was only "187," notorious white 13-year
old gang member. He was what you might call a heel, as he was fat and unathletic and hadn’t yet realized that he could
book himself as the hero in his own storylines. His nemesis was the moral guide of UHW, and all-around good guy, "Kamikaze."
These two made up the primary feud in UHW during its original incarnation. Along with them were 187’s partner, "Circus,"
who was really much better than his partner, but didn’t script the shows, so took a backseat to him. Other than these
three, there was only one other major player, "Flatline," who was pretty much out on his own and didn’t do much but
shove people and no-sell things that probably should’ve been sold.
When UHW made its triumphant return, 187 had somehow transformed from the heelish, pudgy gangster character
into GOD!!!, unquestionable uber-face and Kobashi-esque hero to the fans of UHW (his cousin). His new nemesis was T.Itty the
Garbage Man, the evil waste management wop. Standing by their lord on the side of good were Frosty the Norse Scot and MOONSHINE
(the Irish Scot); together they comprised LSD—The Legitimate Scots Dept. Their foe, T.Itty, recruited his chum in scum,
the Nursing Home Ninja (then called the Tae Kwan Do Kid, named for both his Tae Kwan Do skill and his adulation of Ralph Macchio),
to form The Carcinogen Connection. Together, they fought under the banner of the evil Philip Morris tobacco corporation. In
UHW, as in life, the lone wolf, Agent: C.H.A.D., stood alone.
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| Note the very real hatred amongst the UHW ranks... |
For months, LSD and the Carcinogen Connection battled repeatedly, basically putting on variations of the same
match over and over. During the "This Month In…" show, T.Itty declared that he was putting his health first, and would
no longer be smoking. NHN, infuriated by this blasphemy, challenged his longtime partner and friend to a match. The stipulations
were thus: If Itty won, he could stop smoking, but he must leave the Carcinogen Connection. If NHN won, Tony would continue
blackening his lungs with the tar of the dark side. The match ended in a double count-out, so they compromised, and started
smoking filters. Although they reunited, this issue would slowly eat at both of them, and this confrontation would prove to
be a precursor to the biggest shakeup in UHW history. At the show entitled "That Which Survives," GOD!!! faced T.Itty in a
brutal Deathmatch for the Mt. Dew Championship. In the final minutes of the match, NHN (the special guest referee, for the
reason that nobody came to our shows who wasn’t directly involved) cost T.Itty the match, seemingly siding with GOD!!!
and LSD.
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| Left to Right: Tatsuke Menneke, Sexy Asian Prostitute. |
During his post-match celebrations, GOD!!!’s longtime friend and confidante, Frosty, (who had become more and more
consumed by his radical right-wing political views, which had little to do with the wrestling, because we were all as white
as Klansmen…) stabbed his lord in the back, and defiantly announced that he had joined NHN in forming the "Menneke Ministry,"
a faction dedicated to carrying out the twisted whims of High School Math Teacher/Tae Kwon Do Instructor/Evil Sorcerer, Ron
Menneke. This unutterable betrayal of trust, along with the fact that he had High School Play practice most nights, led to
the departure UHW mainstay, and the year-long holder of the Funky Cowboy Hat Filled With Non Dairy Creamer Champion, MOONSHINE.
A show earlier in the year, called "General Order 24," saw the debut of KuKluxKentworth, the Sex Symbol of
Cylinder, who was the younger brother of Frosty [now "the Fascist Fisherman"]. Years of sibling rivalry prevented the Frost
Brothers from joining forces, though, and so KKKent stayed on the undercard, trying to prove himself to GOD!!! With Frosty
proven as a traitor (much like his hero, Adolf Hitler), and MOONSHINE proven as a pussy, GOD!!! recruited Triple Kent and
the dark lord himself, Agent: C.H.A.D., to battle the Ministry. These three called themselves the Unattractive Studs, and
with their formation, the perverse sexual content in UHW increased tenfold. .
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| UHW's Crowning Achievement: The Unattractive Studs. |
Eventually, as with most wrestling storylines (which are invariably stupid), it was discovered that the masked
man whom had been accompanying the Menneke Ministry to the ring was, in fact, T.Itty. The love between the Garbage Man and
the Ninja, it seemed, could not be quelled. The revelation came after T.Itty and NHN advanced to the finals of the MOONSHINE
Super Fag Cup Tournament, a tourney held to crown a winner of the vacant Funky Cowboy Hat Championship. NHN won the tournament
in a dramatic (bad) finale, and, as he was awarded the hat, he embraced his former partner and they lovingly shared some creamers.
Around this time, it was also revealed that the mysterious LumberJack, who had arrived in UHW a few months
before and had participated in the MSFC Tourney, was in fact Frosty the Fascist Fisherman, playing the odds.
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| ...As If Keith Didn't Have Enough Problems Keeping His Pants Up... |
Two humorous realizations came out of this admission of dual identities: One—If he had won his first round matches,
he would have been put in the awkward position of facing himself in the semi-finals, and Two—He had two opportunities
to advance in the tournament, and he pathetically failed in both attempts.
The following summer saw the return of UHW legend, MOONSHINE, who rejoined his old mate GOD!!! to recreate
LSD, much to the delight of the nostalgic UHW fans (Grant’s cousin). Someone who was not so delighted was the Agent,
GOD!!!’s erstwhile partner, who hates MOONSHINE more than jews hate communal showers. This led to the break-up of the
Unattractive Studs, to the dismay of fags the world over.
The Nursing Home Ninja took on more hours at the elderly care facility of his namesake, and sort of phased
himself out of UHW. Before he left, he lost his FCH Title back to MOONSHINE…who then promptly re-retired, himself.
Amidst all of this retirement and nonsense, some key alliances were broken, and forged, or possibly re-forged,
or something, like some kind of sword of power which got broken and the hero of the movie was crestfallen and lost but then
he rediscovered his true path and got some blacksmith to re-forge his sword so he could kill the evil warlord who slaughtered
his village.
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| Racism Never Looked So Good... |
Frosty the Fascist Fisherman and his brother, 3K, made a public statement (in Grant’s living room) that "blood
was thicker than water, and blood was also thicker than Mt. Dew, and oil was thicker than all of them, and they were two oily,
bloodthirsty men…" (they sort of blathered on), the crux of which was that they were going to be teaming up to form
the "Big Montana Combo" (XXL for short).
With MOONSHINE once again gone, GOD!!! re-formed his partnership with Agent: C.H.A.D., the two of them battling
XXL on most every show.
A few months prior, in a hilariously surreal moment, T.Itty was hit by a car while crossing the street. Wait,
it gets better…he received a broken leg, and was then served with a fine and a ticket for jaywalking. Nope, that’s
not all; because he was crossing the street at an unsanctioned crossing point, he also had to pay for the damage to both
of the cars involved in the accident. HA. At any rate, this put him out of action for some months.
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| Good role models are hard to come by... |
During this time, he moved 80-some miles away from the hometown of UHW, making it all the more difficult to get him to
shows. When he did finally return from his hiatus, he immediately re-targeted his perennial nemesis, GOD!!! He hired the Big
Montana Combo, and their sometime-third member, Loco Gordo, as his thugs. Together, they repeatedly assaulted and double,
triple, and quadruple-teamed GOD!!! and the Agent.
GOD!!! brought in his young cousin, the Rancid Monk, from Mankato, Minnesota—both UHWs only fan, and
the leader of UHW: Deep North, a splinter faction comprised of poorly-kempt 14-year old skaters—to even up the odds.
This eternal feud between GOD!!! and T.Itty, as well as with the traitor Frosty, would finally culminate in the most violent
match in UHW history…the Apocalypse Death Match at "Flannel Supreme Fatality." GOD!!! and C.H.A.D. took on Frosty and
T.Itty in a brutal match that saw Frosty get powerbombed off of a balcony through 3 barbed wire boards, T.Itty get press-slammed
thru a barbed-wire board and take about 30 consecutive Lighttube shots, the Agent get powerbombed thru a flaming board covered
in a pile of weapons, and GOD!!! come off the balcony in tribute to his friend, Kamikaze, and elbow drop Itty thru a board.
The final official UHW match took place in June of 2004, which pitted the undying nemeses GOD!!! and T.Itty
in a violent and hard-hitting match. GOD!!! defeated Itty to secure himself the place as the eternal Mountain Dew Champion,
because he scripted it that way. T.Itty attacked him after the match, however, leaving the feud forever unresolved.
Only one month later, GOD!!! got married, and that was the last time the UHW crew was ever all together. Only
the C.H.A.D./MOONSHINE and T.Itty/NHN feuds carried on past the end of active filming...They all still hate each other.
RESULTS
UHW Bodycount 98
Kamikaze def. 187(GOD!!!)/Circus ("The Notorious Thugs") with a diving senton.
Flatline/Kamikaze def. The Notorious Thugs for the UHW Tag Team Championship in a street fight
with a piledriver on the ground
Kamikaze def. The Notorious Thugs for the Interpromotional Championship in a Forest Death Match with
a diving body press out of a tree.
187 (w/Circus) def. Kamikaze for the undisputed UHW Deathmatch Championship with a diving body press
thru a table off of a high bale elevator.
The Best (And Last) of UHW 98
Kamikaze def. 187 def. Flatline in a Cement Floor Match with a One-armed pedigree on the cement.
Kamikaze def. 187 to retain the Interpromotional Championship in a Loft Match with a diving senton
out of the rafters.
Kamikaze def. Flatline in a Bullrope Match after choking him out with the rope.
Flatline def. Kamikaze and 187 for the Ironman Championship in a Barnyard Brawl with double-spear.
Flatline def. Kamikaze (w/interference by 187 and Big Biddy) in a Loft Match with a diving legdrop over a
sheep feeder.
Kamikaze def. 187 for the UHW Championship in a Ladders Match after knocking him to the ground off
of a 16-foot ladder.
Flatline def. 187 for the UHW Deathmatch Championship in a UHW Cage of Death [Giant Dog Kennel] Match
after assaulting him with a lighttube and Irish whipping him into a flaming board.
187 def. Flatline to regain the UHW Deathmatch Championship in a Cement Floor/Barbwire/Flaming Boards
Match after chokeslamming him thru a Burning Board.
*Lots of undocumented matches*
UHW Bodycount 2002
Agent: C.H.A.D def. Frosty the Norse Scot and The Nursing Home Ninja for the Funky Cowboy Hat
filled w/ Non-Dairy Creamers in a Ladders and Weapons Match after an Agent:Bomb onto lots of props.
LSD (MOONSHINE/Frosty) def. NHN/Agent: C.H.A.D for the Invisible Butterfly of Gold [Tag Team] Championship
after a FireWaterBomb thru a table.
GOD!!! def. T.Itty the Garbage Man for the Mountain Dew Championship in a Lighttubes/Barbwire Boards/Barbwire
Bats/Glass Panes/Thumbtacks/Flaming Tables Match with a Dragon Suplex/Northern Lights Suplex combination.
UHW EDI Pre-Show
LSD (MOONSHINE/GOD!!!) and The Carcinogen Connection fight to a No-Contest.
GOD!!!/The Kansas City Brawler def. The Carcinogen Connection after a Snapping Powerbomb and a Standing Moonsault.
GOD!!!/The Kansas City Brawler def. MOONSHINE/T.Itty after a Lygerbomb thru a wooden panel.
UHW Emmetsburg Death Inc.
T.Itty def. MOONSHINE after the TKD Kid interferes.
LSD (GOD!!!/Frosty) def. The Carcinogen Connection to retain the Inv. Butterfly of Gold Championships
in a Barbwire Board/Weapons Match following a Praying Powerbomb by Frosty to Itty.
UHW General Order 24
Frosty the Norse Scot def. KKKentworth, the Sex Symbol of Cylinder for the opportunity to tag with GOD(!!!)
later in the show with a FatMan Splash.
MOONSHINE def. Agent: C.H.A.D for the Funky Cowboy Hat filled with Non-Dairy Creamers Championship in
a "Winner Retires From UHW" with a Legdrop of DOOM!!!
The Carcinogen Connection def. LSD (GOD!!!/Frosty) for the Inv. Butterfly of Gold Championships in
a Barbwire Board/Flaming Board/Barbwire Spidernet with a powerbomb thru a barbwire board.
This Month In…UHW
[This is a re-cap of the month of August, 2002; featuring several matches from several different tapings]
NHN def. GOD!!! via submission with the Tatsuke Special.
MOONSHINE def. T.Itty to retain the FCH Championship with a Puffin Arrow onto a stack of props.
NHN and T.Itty fight to a double KO following a brutal double clothesline.
MOONSHINE def. GOD!!! and Frosty in a Triple Danger LSD "Respect" Match after a running Legdrop of DOOM(!!!)
atop the stack.
Frosty the Norse Scot def. T.Itty in an "Okay, but after I this I have to get going to McDonalds…"
Match, with a Backslide Driver thru an angled table and a sumo-wrestling exhibition.
GOD!!! def. KKKentworth, the Sex Symbol of Cylinder for the Skittles Championship in a 10-Count Streetfight
with a running legdrop on the ground.
T.Itty def. GOD!!! for the Mt. Dew Championship in a Barbwire Boards/Lighttubes/Ladders Match after
a lighttube shot to the head and a diving frog splash off of a ladder.
UHW Special Ed
GOD!!! def. NHN with a Pain Thriller.
The Carcinogen Connection def. Frosty the Nazi/Agent: C.H.A.D to retain the Inv. Butterfly of Gold Championships
after a Nicotine Plunge to the Agent.
KKKentworth def. GOD!!! def. Agent: C.H.A.D for the Skittles Championship after a press-slam off of
the ring onto the concrete.
The Carcinogen Connection and Agent: C.H.A.D/Lumber Jack wrestled to a no-contest following interference
by GOD!!! (in the form of a sick Dragon Suplex to T.Itty) and a fight amongst the C.C.
UHW "That Which Survives" (Special Ed Pt. II)
NHN def. Frosty the Nazi with a Cartwheel Body Press.
MOONSHINE def. NHN to retain the FCH Championship following interference from GOD!!! and a Legdrop
of DOOM!!!
LSD Gauntlet Match—T.Itty faces each member of LSD, the first two for 5 minutes each, then GOD(!!!)
for an unlimited amount of time; each match getting progressively more violent in its stipulations:
T.Itty vs. Frosty
T.Itty vs. MOONSHINE (Hardcore)
GOD!!! def. T.Itty for the Mt. Dew Championship in a Barbwire board/Glass panes/Lighttubes/Barbwire
Ironing Board/Falls-Count-Anywhere Deathmatch with a diving dropkick into broken glass, following assistance by the TKD Kid.
The NHN and Frosty turn on GOD!!! and beat him to a bloody pulp, joining together to form the Menneke
Ministry!
UHW: MOONSHINE’s SUPER FAG CUP TOURNAMENT
Following the tragic events of "TWS," MOONSHINE leaves UHW to pursue a more geeky social life; leaving the
FCH Championship up for grabs. This tourney, held in his honor, is to determine a new FCH Champion.
ROUND ONE:
GOD!!! def. KKKentworth following a diving body press thru an "unbreakable table."
Agent: C.H.A.D def. Frosty the Nazi after the Nazi collapses from exhaustion.
T.Itty def. Lumber Jack with a diving legdrop off of a tractor tire thru a table, splattering Lumber Jack’s
head on the ground!
NHN gets to advance without a match due to his opponent, The Kansas City Brawler, no-showing.
ROUND TWO:
T.Itty def. Agent: C.H.A.D with a Sanitation Check.
NHN def. GOD!!! via submission with the Tatsuke Special.
FINALS
NHN def. T.Itty for the UHW Funky Cowboy Hat filled w/Non-Dairy Creamers Championship with Nicotine
Plunge DVD.
T.Itty is accepted into the Menneke Ministry.
[NON-TOURNAMENT MATCH]: GOD!!!, Agent: C.H.A.D, and KKKentworth (The Unattractive Studs) and The Menneke
Ministry wrestle in a Barbwire boards/lighttubes Match to a no-contest due to an injury sustained by GOD(!!!) that everybody
whined about being gross but was not worth stopping the match for.
UHW Ultimate Dance Party
T.Itty def. Agent: C.H.A.D and Frosty the Nazi and KKKentworth for a shot at the Mountain Dew Championship.
T.Itty def. GOD!!! for the Mt. Dew Championship in a Barbwire Ropes/Barbwire Board/Tables/Glass Panes/TABLE
OF DEATH [Barbwire, glass, lightbulbs on a table] Match with a Rigor Mortis Chokeslam off of the ring thru the Table of Death.
UHW: George Hammond’s Revenge
The Menneke Ministry (Frosty/T.Itty) def. The Unattractive Studs (GOD!!!/KKKent) to retain the Inv. Butterfly
of Gold Championships in a Barbwire Boards/Glass sheets/Glass Door/Barbwire Barricade/ Loft Deathmatch after a press-slam
from the top of the haystack down to the hard wood floor from Itty to GOD!!!
UHW HOMO-Cide
KKKent def. Frosty the Nazi to retain the Skittles Championship in a Cylinder Street Fight after making
him tap to the Donkey Punch Stretch.
T.Itty def. KKKent [in record time] with a beautifully placed Senton Atomico.
GOD!!! and T.Itty wrestle to a no-contest after Itty sustains a head injury that threatens his health and
performance (and whines endlessly about it…)
Frosty the Nazi def. GOD!!! in a Barbwire Board/Glass Doors/Lighttubes/DM weapons/Ladders Deathmatch after
knocking GOD(!!!) off of a ladder thru a ringside barbwire and lighttubes board.
UHW Kurtoffelkrieg
T.Itty def. Agent: C.H.A.D and MOONSHINE after DVD’ing the Agent thru a table.
GOD!!! def. MOONSHINE with a diving groin attack [it was supposed to turn into a huracanrana…].
GOD!!! def. Agent: C.H.A.D with a SICK head-first ThunderFire Powerbomb thru a flaming table.
UHW: Sans Garbage
T.Itty was involved in a hilarious jay-walking-related car accident that took him off of this card, hence
the title…
LSD2 (GOD!!!/MOONSHINE) def. The Carcinogen Connection [The Agent replaces T.Itty] for the Inv. Butterfly
of Gold Championships in a Hardcore match via submission when MOONSHINE gives the NHN the Boston Cloverleaf with
a ladder.
HIGHLIGHT: The Agent gets powerbombed 12 feet to the ground thru a table with chairs and sheet metal on it!
Agent: C.H.A.D def. GOD!!! in a Toaster on a Pole Match with a JenkinStunner from the top of some industrial
seed boxes 10-plus feet down to the ring!
UHW: Ragnarok’N’Roll
MOONSHINE def. Agent: C.H.A.D def. KKKent def. Frosty def. NHN in a gauntlet match for the rights to be
called "Eternal Funky Cowboy Hat Champion"
UHW: Sorry About The Last Show…Here’s A Better One…
GOD!!! def. Frosty
C.H.A.Dio (GOD!!!/Agent) def. XXL (KKKent/Loco Gordo)
Agent: C.H.A.D def. GOD!!!
UHW: Aryan Supermen Unite!
T.Itty def. Agent
Frosty/Nazi def. GOD!!! in a Barbed-wire Streetfight
XXL v. C.H.A.Dio fight to a no-contest due to Rancid Monk’s interference
GOD!!! def. T.Itty
Frosty/Nazi & T.Itty def. C.H.A.Dio
T.Itty def. GOD!!! in a ladder match
UHW: Flannel Supreme Fatality (The Bloody Climax)
C.H.A.Dio def. T.Itty/Frosty in an Apocalypse Deathmatch
UHW: Another Dago’s Bi
GOD!!! def. T.Itty for the right to be called "Eternal Mt. Dew Champion"
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