(Not A Wrestler)
Height: 1.8 meters
Weight: I dunno, but it'll be measured in kilos.
From: Stuttgart, Germany
Running: Exaggerated.
Although not an official participant in UHW, Heimlech von Foreign (the real-life Clemens “ze German” Naumann)
was decreed an honorary member by the UHW cast and crew, due mostly to his sheer fucking awesomeness. Hailing from the industrial city of Stuttgart, Germany, Clemens came to America during his 12th
year of schooling—which, due to the complex nature of the German school system, was not his last year in high school—and,
unfortunately for him, he wound up in Emmetsburg, Iowa. Imagine, putting in for
a foreign exchange position…a chance to travel to exciting and exotic places that you might never have had the chance
to see, otherwise…and getting shipped off to the desolate corn-filled wastelands of Iowa. Talk about drawing the short straw.
After a few weeks of enrollment in the Emmetsburg Public School system, it became blatantly apparent that Clemens was not fitting in as
one would hope, a dilemma which could probably be fairly attributed to his unfiltered hatred and loathing for…well,
pretty much everything. A popular phrase in the vocabulary of Clemens’
early English-speaking life was, “ThaSucks! Is the wurst thing I seen in zis Country!” Seeing that he was clearly out of place with the more “normal” kids in EHS, Clemens found himself
falling in with [what is most easily referred to as] the UHW Crew.
For the first time since he arrived in the States, Clemens found a group of people with which he shared some commonalities…namely,
hatred and bloodlust. See, Clemens was a throwback to an earlier, more evil generation
of Germans…none of this techno music/posh clothes-wearing/happy-go-lucky friendly bullshit for Clemens…just pure,
old-fashioned evil. He fucking ruled.
As to his involvement in UHW; he was a sometimes-cameraman and backstage personality, mostly. His only noteworthy onscreen moment was drilling Keith down south with a piece of frozen cake (which, trust
me, was rock-fucking-solid) while playing “random objects baseball.”
Sadly, at the end of the 2003-04 school year, Clemens had to leave the US
to return home to Deutschland. In honor of his nazi-esque race hatred, his friends
in UHW got together and bought him a full-sized Confederate flag to remember America
by, signed by all of the members.
The following year saw the arrival of a new foreign exchange student from Germany,
who—despite being highly-anticipated by the Clemens-spoiled UHdubbers—proved to be a real douschebag, and really
dropped the ball that Clemens had carried all the way across the Atlantic. Clearly, Clemens was the best representative that Germany
had to offer, and he was sorely missed.
Clemens returned stateside in the summer of 2005 to attend his friend GOD!!!’s wedding, and to remind us all
that some Germans still kick ass. After
frightening/offending several conservative midwesterners in a Minneapolis
airport with his unique take on English word-usage (“N!k-fucking-Christ, what ze fuck, men!?! Zis Mutterfuckers lost my fucking goddamn luggage in fucking France! AAAH!”), Clemens brought his awesome brand of kick-ass hatred back to rural
Iowa, where he helped Keith to find himself in a very profoundly spiritual way (by reminding him that “all those who
are not of good race in this world are chaff” –A.H.) and made it a point of offending a good number of wedding
guests and wedding party members, all of which made it all the better an occasion, in GOD!!!’s opinion.
Clemens is now serving a one-year public service “sentence” as a hospital worker, as mandated by the German
national government (basically, the punishment for getting yourself out of military service in that fine nation).
Clemens, whenever we hear someone yell, “Fuck You, Bastard!”, we will fondly remember you…
