Theme: Dropkick Murphys “Fightstarter Karaoke”
Signature Maneuvers: FireWaterBomb, Legdrop of DOOM!!!, Puffin Arrow (Not quite majestic
enough to be a “Falcon Arrow”), the Distillation Chamber
Height: 6’2
Weight: 170 lbs.
From: The Distillery, just outside of Emmetsburg, IA
Currently Residing: Ft. Worth, Texas
Hairstyle: Hippie/Fag
From the
original UHW website:
“Kevin Stillman never wanted to
be in UHW. Kevin Stillman hasn’t liked professional wrestling since he
was in 7th grade. Kevin Stillman only has one kidney, so any hard-hitting
physicality is a health risk, anyway. So why is Kevin in UHW? What’s more, if Kevin doesn’t like wrestling, why was he the UHW Funky Cowboy Hat champion
for a whole year? I’ll tell you why…because Kevin Stillman is easily
convinced to do things that he’ll later regret. Kevin Stillman listened
to his best friend, Grant, when Grant said that all he wanted Kevin to do was be a cameraman/commentator. Kevin foolishly believed Grant when he said that they’d be careful when wrestling in his bedroom. Kevin ate up every word of Grant’s speech about how Kevin “wouldn’t
have to take any bumps if he wrestled.” Kevin even bought into Grant’s
spiel about how there “wouldn’t be any pressure” if he felt like quitting UHW for any reason. So, here’s Kevin, nearly a year and a half later, still wrestling every time there’s a UHW
show, even though he has no desire to do so and has tried to quit on more than one occasion.
That’s what friends are for. That, and breaking your mom’s
car windshield.”
The man known as MOONSHINE was, like most of UHW, one of GOD!!!'s best
friends in high school. An avid fan of British sketch comedy, bad 80’s
movies, and soda can golf, MOONSHINE really had no reason to be in UHW, other than that he provided hilarity in the form of
brilliant commentary, and he liked to beat up little guys like the Agent and T.Itty.
MOONSHINE debuted alongside all of his friends at Bodycount 2002 and quickly
dominated the competition, proving once and for all the reality of pro wrestling. Kevin
won the UHW Funky Cowboy Hat filled with Non-Dairy Creamers championship at that show, and retained it without interruption
until his final show in late 2002. The title was then won by the Nursing Home
Ninja at the invitational tournament held in Kevin’s honor.
For two or three shows, it seemed as if Kevin might have actually been retired. But no, Grant wouldn’t allow that. Like
any street gang, you don’t leave the UHW family. You’re in for life. So, like the obedient one-kidneyed puppy that he is, Kevin came skulking back into
UHW at the aptly titled show, HOMO-CIDE.
He remained in UHW for another two or three shows, then re-retired after defeating
the Agent, NHN, Frosty the Fascist Fisherman, and TripleKent, in a guantlet match for the eternal rights to the title of “Funky
Cowboy Hat Champion,” at the “Ragnarok’n’Roll” show. This
was to be both MOONSHINE and NHN’s last show, as MOONSHINE had to go to his high school play practices, and NHN’s
allergies barred him from competition in UHW’s new “barn loft” arena.
MOONSHINE Stillman left behind a legacy of hilarity in UHW, which shines through
in all of his brilliantly offbeat commentary, and—at least in the early days—was actually one of the better wrestlers.
But he still looks like a goddamn hippie faggot.
